clarity in the breeze.

from february 24th, 2009




at times i can't help but miss friendships that seemed to disappear into thin air after last summer. life here has been so strange and ever-changing. there have been no constants. and there are so many tiny freedoms that i miss. but i am a better person now. a stronger person. i have slowly gotten my life back. and i deserve it.


sitting here alone in my room, again, i find it hard to remember who i was two months ago. and nearly a year ago when i first moved here. who was that girl who drank herself into oblivion on a barstool seven nights a week?

when i decided january first to finally get my alcohol problem under control, i didn't realize i would end up as much of a recluse as i did. but i'm indifferent towards it really, the being alone. enough time has not passed that i can't still smell the loneliness and desperation that lingered heavily on my being, at a time when i was constantly surrounded by others.

who was that girl?

who were those people?



the tragedy is misunderstood.


the sun is rising and i havn't been to sleep.


envy of solitude and distant noise. my lack thereof causes me to question my life again.

i question everything. i will probably never stop.

i have given up on the misconceived notion of right and wrong decisions. as long as you are doing something rather than nothing you can't be but so wrong. every path you take will eventually lead you astray, its only a matter of when and where this will occur.

suffocating in my life with b. is so far gone. thank god. i can no longer grasp any reality in what it was. what sort of reality can one really find in a blackout? my body ached and my heart constantly raced, but both for matters only of poor health, not like or lust and certainly not love. dragged to the bottom.

my life before that i can barely recall. its so unfamiliar now. the faces have come and gone. memories i can see but not feel, like they are not my own.

my decisions changed so suddenly i'm not even sure what lies at the heart of my reasoning. the truth is, i could stay or leave this place. the uncertainty is why.


"everything is temporary"




sometimes, i like to make lists of insignificant things to do, simply for the joy of crossing them off.





as i did so this morning (it feels so long ago), i realized that writing 2009 still feels strange and unnatural. but what is unnatural is my soul finally at ease and the strangeness lies in familiarity of self from a year when that nine was upside down.

my heart is torn between two cities. the current of my memories is strong and longs to pull me north. one day i will surrender my body and let the ocean carry me home. but as hard as it is to say, i know i am not ready. so i will deny the easy way out, this time.

i am certainly no stranger to this struggle to get by. it has never seemed to end for me. although i don't mind it this way, and somehow in it find comfort as well. poor and alone, but strong and at peace.

some often forget that nature is always there, shelter from the cold. the sun will always warm your face as trees outstretch accepting arms forever.

this earth is immense, it's hopeless voids are many. they lie not in the deepest canyon or the most barren wasteland, but in the stone heart of those with no hope for a better tomorrow. he who longs not for the clarity in the breeze but the false comforts in his wallet.

i have become witness to a quality of life i can now never stray from.


i truly came alive the day i realized that the ocean is vast beyond all my understanding and that money isn't real. and i swear the sun had never reflected so brightly on the waves than at that very moment...

i finished my beer, buried my cigarette in the sand...and three years later, here i am. my life has never been the same.



and my fucking god, it feels good to be alive.